126 - ALPHA PLUS THEORY.
Mar. 27th, 2011 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
buywithme[There's a slight rustle of pages, before Prefect speaks, and the first thing he says... doesn't sound very Prefectish.]
Man lives freely only by his readiness to die, if need be, at the hands of his brother, never by killing him.
[Pause.]
I don't know how I can talk about what circumstances it might be all right to kill people under. I haven't successfully killed anyone on the Barge, but during the time that I served the Factory I initiated the paperwork for thirteen hundred and seventy two people to be discontinued.
[He's quiet for a moment, then speaks.]
To be killed. I don't know what the exact proceedure was, and at the time there wasn't any reason why I should think on it too much, but if I had, the understanding that I would have come to was that I was arranging for them to be murdered.
Maybe that's why it seems strange to hear people talking about how the atmosphere on the Barge devalues life, because for me, being here did the exact opposite. Even though, Comrades, I went through hell here. Even though I died, even though I was tortured, and even though it was ignored by the wardens who were here at the time, being here still made life seem more valuable. It put what I'd done into perspective.
I think some of the things here happen because people are desperate, and because they're scared, and because life here is hard, but I think most of the things that happen here, just happen because we're evil, and because we never cared about who we hurt.
[There's another pause, another rustle of pages, then:]
Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man.
[HM.]
I found a book of quotes about not killing each other in the library.
Man lives freely only by his readiness to die, if need be, at the hands of his brother, never by killing him.
[Pause.]
I don't know how I can talk about what circumstances it might be all right to kill people under. I haven't successfully killed anyone on the Barge, but during the time that I served the Factory I initiated the paperwork for thirteen hundred and seventy two people to be discontinued.
[He's quiet for a moment, then speaks.]
To be killed. I don't know what the exact proceedure was, and at the time there wasn't any reason why I should think on it too much, but if I had, the understanding that I would have come to was that I was arranging for them to be murdered.
Maybe that's why it seems strange to hear people talking about how the atmosphere on the Barge devalues life, because for me, being here did the exact opposite. Even though, Comrades, I went through hell here. Even though I died, even though I was tortured, and even though it was ignored by the wardens who were here at the time, being here still made life seem more valuable. It put what I'd done into perspective.
I think some of the things here happen because people are desperate, and because they're scared, and because life here is hard, but I think most of the things that happen here, just happen because we're evil, and because we never cared about who we hurt.
[There's another pause, another rustle of pages, then:]
Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man.
[HM.]
I found a book of quotes about not killing each other in the library.
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Private
Date: 2011-03-28 12:23 am (UTC)Is something wrong, Comrade?
Private
Date: 2011-03-28 12:30 am (UTC)I've lied to you, Prefect, and I feel a little horrible about it. Once whilst I was myself, and once whilst I was under different influences.
You asked me if I believed in God. Then you asked me about God. I paid you lipservice, nothing better. I felt my faith crumbling under my fingertips and I didn't want to admit it, so I lied. The second time, it was the easier solution, the easier lie.
But I want at least a little honesty. So I'm sorry for having said all of that.
Private
Date: 2011-03-28 12:33 am (UTC)Comrade, what changed? You loved talking about God.
Re: Private
Date: 2011-03-28 12:40 am (UTC)I got killed by someone who... believed in the same God I did. Had a different vision of it than me. It... I'd had enough of suffering for my God, comrade, I couldn't... I couldn't keep it up.
And I spent a while trying to keep it up. Trying to lie. Trying to pay lipservice in the hope I'd convince myself it was true, but it just made me feel worse.
Do you know the feeling when you've suffered for a higher power, blindly, over and over again, and you get nothing for it? It just feels like a repeated amount of punches in the face, no matter how hard you try? That's... that's about it right now.
Private
Date: 2011-03-28 01:34 am (UTC)Comrade, I'm sorry. Out of all the people on this ship who don't deserve what he did to you, you deserve it the least.
What I mean to say is... Comrade, I think you might be the single best person who I've ever met. I think that without question you are the best person being a warden, and I think that... maybe that has nothing to do with believing in God, I'm sure that it doesn't have anything to do with having to try and pretend to believe in God.
I can understand how that might not seem like getting anything for it, but to me, that's something to be admired.
Re: Private
Date: 2011-03-28 01:42 am (UTC)Prefect, I'm... I'm flattered, I'm... astounded a little, actually. I expected people to resent me a lot more. But, really, I'm not... infallible, I'm not that good. I try to be. But... Prefect, I've made a lot of people suffer for my own belief. Myself included, but not only that.
But... I appreciate you saying that more than anything anyone's said to me here.
Private
Date: 2011-03-28 09:05 pm (UTC)I hope that you find something that gives you that, without having to hurt yourself, Comrade.
Re: Private
Date: 2011-03-28 09:20 pm (UTC)But basing it on God seems... stupid and naive, compared to anything else. I just need to find something different. Something that works. Don't worry. I will.
[maybe. perhaps. one day.]