Spam for Stildyne

[buywithme]

[Prefect had put away about a quarter of a bottle of gin when he decided he felt like being social. Barron had been uncharacteristically quiet recently (a fact which Prefect failed to connect to the return of Perry Dawsey to the Barge.) and he had been feeling unusually relaxed and subdued, more certain that he belonged here than he had felt for a long while.

So he had taken to the corridors of the Barge, dismissing the pub after a brief thought, and choosing to look a little further afield for company. He did a quick lap of the library, a very brief exploration of the garden, before deciding that these locations were too exotic, and settling down into one of the common rooms, three remaining quarters of a bottle of gin in tow.]

Comments

[umgekehrt]

Quite a bit of alcohol for one man?

[Stildyne looked a little alarmed, although Prefect could handle a drunk in relatively good spirits. Unlike some people he'd known. He came to sit in a nearby chair, frowning a little.]

Any particular occasion?

[buywithme]

Well, Comrade, I am entirely willing to share.

[Prefect offered. He didn't sound unhappy or stressed, and held out the bottle without even thinking about it. He was a habitual and heavy drinker, and as long as he could live with the headaches, on the Barge it barely seemed to matter.]

No occasion, Barron's just been quiet and I didn't want to drink alone.

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne's expression smoothed out-- such as it could-- and he reached out, a wordless request for the bottle.]

Well, I can't promise to be the most cheerful companion, but I'll give it my best shot. I could use a drink.

[And he didn't want to drink alone, either. Prefect made good, comforting company.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect slumped sideways in the chair, watching Stildyne attentively as the other man spoke]

I'm not often cheerful company myself, Brother. To be company at all is the more important part.

Is something the matter?

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne restrained a flash of fond amusement at Prefect's boneless slump.]

I think you've made fine company.

At any rate. A friend graduated and has gone and it's left me thinking about my own leaving. Which I really ought not.

[buywithme]

[Prefect knitted his forehead in concern, still watching Stildyne closely.]

What are you thinking about it? You're not leaving any time soon, are you Brother?

[umgekehrt]

No, not soon. Not with no inmate in sight. But it made me think of what it'll be like.

[He took a deep drink of his pilfered gin and handed it back.]

I kissed the fellow goodbye, wished him the best, said I was sorry we wouldn't see one another again.

And as I left his room I found myself thinking: 'that'll be me. Because Donatien's never leaving.'

[buywithme]

[Prefect frowned, accepting the bottle back again, and shook his head.]

He will eventually. There's someone waiting for him...

[And if he feels a touch of jealousy about that... well, then he tries his very best to keep it to himself. Still, it is a strange thought for Stildyne to bring up...]

Do you think that would be harder though, Brother? Having to leave someone behind, rather than being left?

[umgekehrt]

Pavi. Yes. And I don't begrudge him Pavi or vice versa. Even if there were the choice I've got no life to offer him, off in Gonebeyond. But I'll never see him again.

To leave, to go back-- there'll be no loopholes. No possibility that someone will stroll back into my life. No communications breaches. No... Chance for miracles.

And it was-- no, I need more gin before I admit to the rest of it.

[buywithme]

[Prefect took an exceptionally hasty swig of his gin, before holding the bottle back out to Stildyne. He was carefully turning the other man's words over in his mind, feeling them out, shaping his own thoughts around them. He didn't want to cut the other man off in the middle of his thoughts though. So he surrendered the bottle wordlessly.

Drink, Comrade. And then admit to the rest of it.]

[umgekehrt]

[He drank once, and deeply, and then didn't speak again until the alcohol hit and tipped his local gravity about fifteen degrees aft. ]

I didn't leave anyone at home worth regretting, not family nor a lover. The man who stood in for me when other folks' siblings were here was the best friend I'd had and we barely noticed leaving each other's orbits.

When I came to the barge, I'd just separated myself from an attachment so deep it shook me to the core, and the pain of it was almost physical.

I hadn't loved anyone before him. I hadn't had any experience caring deeply for anyone in any capacity, and leaving them.

I've never stood to lose so much in my entire life. Literally.

[Well, that needed another drink. Some spilled across his face, a thin trickle, and he passed it back and plucked out his whitesquare to wipe his face.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect watched in quiet but accepting dismay as Stildyne drove a death defying path through his bottle of Gin. It was hard to begrudge him it though, considering the circumstances.]

Do you mean when you left him, or when you leave here, Brother?

[He asked, voice still soft]

Because... you know, brother, that you don't have to only stop at one more Inmate? Brother, there is no limit to the number of the wrongs that you can right before you leave. You deserve a second chance as much as any other person that ever came here.

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne passed the bottle back, ruthless in his sorrow but not entirely without mercy when it came to sharing gin.]

When I leave here. And I've got to leave here. The bonds are still back there. One more inmate or seven I've got to go.

And I'll leave Donatien. Leave Dracula, leave Mark, leave you and Arkady. All the attachments I didn't notice forming and they've got to go eventually.

[buywithme]

[Prefect took the Bottle back and took a swig. He couldn't argue with what Stildyne was saying. Could only offer the coldest of comforts in return:]

Or they'll leave you. This place is transitory for all of us, Comrade. As many people as you've just named that you'll have to leave, have already left for me. Ralph, Harvey, Pavi, Sam, O'Brien, Beatty... Even Rayne and Aleera. There are other lives waiting for all of those people here, Comrade. A life waiting for you as well, and... Comrade, I personally try very hard to think that every person who you know here leaves their fingerprints on you, so that you don't ever really have to give them up.

[He glances down, puts his fingers very lightly over his heart, ponderously. He doesn't want to think that any of the people he's listed are gone, in the sense of the kind of profound loss that Stildyne talks about.]

[umgekehrt]

I'm aware of the alternative, Comrade. And furthermore made aware as I stare down the barrel of it just how unprepared I am to handle it.

[He didn't bother with the philosophy. What concerned him was the pain, because he wasn't sure he was strong enough to get as fond of this pain as he had of the ragged part of his heart where Andrej was.]

That's why I'm drinking.

[Not that he was drinking at the moment. He sank into the chair, tailbone shoving out across the seat, spine sagging, Head back against the cushion.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect nodded, drooping his head down to his forearm a little despairingly.]

I do understand that. Even... even saying what I've said to you now, I understand that.

[He took another swig of the gin, before holding the bottle out to Stildyne.]

I begged some of those people to stay. I wish there was some way of making it easier.

[It's a confession. An admission that despite his trying to be philosophical and brave about this, when he was faced with loss, he was not only a coward, but a selfish one at that. Nothing was ever easy.]

[umgekehrt]

[Begged, had he? Shocking. Terrible.]

Where are you going, when you're done here. Plans?

[buywithme]

[Prefect shook his head, stealing a glance back up at Stildyne.]

No plans. I'm... eventually, I think I'll have to go home, and... I don't know, Comrade. Do my duty.

[He gives another little shake of his head though.]

I'm not really planning on leaving any time soon though.

[umgekehrt]

Come with me.

Please.

[He hauls himself up languidly and reaches out with intense care to try to get the gin back.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect freezes, but doesn't withhold the gin.]

I... I can't tell you that I'll do that, Comrade.

[He doesn't necessarily know that he won't, but... he does know that any promise he made right now to ever commit to leaving the Barge would be meaningless. He likes not having to choose, he likes never having the threat of running out of time hanging over his head. He also likes Stildyne very, very much indeed. He just isn't certain that would be enough.]

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne knew it wouldn't make a difference, but there was a certain tension released simply by saying it.]

Please. The Nurail would understand. They'd be able to keep up with you drinking. I'd be able to keep contact with you.

Please, Prefect. I'm a little afraid.

[buywithme]

[This... was still not as bad as what Prefect had done to Harvey. Stildyne wasn't clinging to him, nor was he crying, and neither of them were leaving immediately.]

I'm sorry, Brother. Not knowing what will come tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that... I can't tell you that I'll go with you, when I don't know if I'd be lying.

[umgekehrt]

I know. [Stildyne's narrow eyes slitted open, the dingy yellow of the irises all the more pronounced for the slight bloodshot redness of the whites. And he had known what the answer would be when he asked.]

But I feel better to've asked.

[He pushed himself all the way to his feet, setting the gin carefully on the table as his head swam. The change in altitude had kicked the drunk back up a notch even as the first rush of a large hit of alcohol had started to fade.]

[buywithme]

Have you asked him?

[Prefect asked, as Stildyne went to stand. He didn't know if the other man had just assumed that the Marquis would never go with him, or inferred if from the man's talking of Pavi. Either way, it didn't take a genius to figure out that he would have been Stildyne's second... possibly third choice for people to take home with him.]

It's been a long time since Pavi left, and since we went into that port, and saw what his home was like... I don't know if the Marquis would still go back there, even for him.

[Prefect would, and he felt a pang of guilt at that thought.]

[umgekehrt]

I couldn't offer him enough. Not regular access to me as his lover. No luxuries. Hard work. That's all there is in Gonebeyond. It wouldn't be sustainable.

It's no Sanitarium Island but it would wear on him. He wouldn't be happy.

You might.

You might not hate me for bringing you there. More than anyone else aboard.

[buywithme]

I would never hate you, Brother. Neither would anyone who made the choice to go there with you.

[He stood up, and stepped forward to Stildyne's side.]

I'm sorry I can't promise you it, Comrade. Can I walk you back to your room?

[Stildyne... seemed a little tipsy. Prefect didn't want him falling over or anything of the like on his way home.]

[umgekehrt]

[Stildyne gave him a look of de-masked fondness. The gin had stripped it.]

Would you?

[Of all of his people, Prefect's brand of caring is the most unfamiliar to him, so frankly giving. It's rare that he needs to feel taken care of but Prefect always seemed to provide when needed.]

[buywithme]

Of course.

[Prefect reached out to carefully take Stildyne's arm. It was at once a fond gesture, and a perfunctory one. To assure him that Prefect liked him and was prepared to touch him to prove it, and also to make sure that he didn't fall over on his way back to his room.]

I'm sorry that your friend left, Comrade.

[umgekehrt]

He's graduated. There's something there for him. That's something, isn't it?

[Stildyne moved ponderously, but that served the purpose of making sure he didn't get ahead of his feet, and didn't have to lean overmuch on Prefect.]

I don't usually drink much. It never helps.

[And yet he was planning to do a bit more, just in case it would.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect nods, staying close enough to Stildyne to keep him propped up when needed.]

That is something. It just doesn't always make it any easier, Comrade.

[He gives a guilty little smile, at that.]

No brother, it never does. And yet we still try.

[umgekehrt]

We do. I haven't done it in a good long while. Not actually gotten unsteady on my feet.

[He did make it to his door, even at his severely reduced pace. Once there he reached out to embrace Prefect-- before remembering that it was Prefect, not one of his other folks, and letting his arm fall back without embarrassment-- either at having extended the gesture to a man who didn't mesh with it, or having extended the gesture at all, and nearly in public.]

Thank you, comrade. What will I do without you to look after me.

[What would any of them do? But he was feeling selfish and confined his regrets to his own eventual Prefectless plight.]

[buywithme]

I'm sure there's no shortage of people who would take up the responsibility in my stead.

[Prefect replied, patting Stildyne fondly on the arm.]

Honestly, Comrade. Anyone would do the same.

[umgekehrt]

Never as well. You've got the knack, Prefect.

Goodnight.