buywithme: (You bought it!  Good choice!)
[Click, and hey! It’s some video footage! Prefect is sitting in front of the camera, looking almost dementedly gleeful, and... what’s that piled high around him? But the cheap, tacky, Factory branded trappings of valentines day. Or at least, some of it is, some of it, on the other hand, is just stuff that Prefect has painted pink and is apparently hoping will blend in.

Pink hammer, pink ladle, pink ball, pink empty gin bottle, whatever, it’s all the colour of love.]

Comrades! Consumers!

Do not be disheartened by news of your recent demise and arrival upon an interdenominational prison ship which will strip away any semblance of your personality and confidence in the name of moral rehabilitation! And do not be curtailed from your pursuit of happiness by the recent murders, suicides and death threats being issued by your fellow inmates and/or wardens! Most importantly, do not be dismayed or distressed by those amongst you who would claim that Valentines day is a meaningless slew of commercial consumerist trash, because Comrades! [His face falls, suddenly completely deadpan and serious] That is the best thing about it.


Comrades, this Valentines day don’t sulk about your lack of popularity or mental and physical wellbeing! Don’t celebrate with a cynical lack of gift and card delivery, leaving those you admire with no physical token in recognician of their fantastic beauty! Don’t bemoan the commercialism of it all when you’re living in a society reduced to the crudest of bartering! But stand tall with me, in the glorious pink light of this most sacred of holidays, and buy with me!

Comrades, in this remarkable, one day only sale, I am offering a selection of immaculately produced, Factory standard greeting cards and romantic items, for the low low price of... [PAUSE. Apparently he hadn’t thought this far ahead in his sales pitch. Eventually, he raises his eyebrows and grins a little wider] ...almost anything! What’s that? You don’t think your significant other would appreciate any of these remarkable gifts? Well, don’t underestimate the versatility of our stores! The Facto-- Uh, the former Factory outlet point insists on the highest possible standards of service! Make our Valentines Day a happy one, by making your Valentines Day a happy one.

[And with that, he picks up the bright pink hammer, and turns it, so that the camera gets a nice clear shot of the nicely calligraphed “I Love You”, which Prefect has clearly written along the side of it. There is a long, long, pause. Then he realizes that maybe he shouldn’t be giving hammers to inmates, and quickly adds:]

Some items may be subject to restricted sales, no income from sales will actually go to the Factory, and no item or items actually guarantee a happy valentines day or positive reception from the recipient and a negative reception will not be accepted as grounds for a refund.
buywithme: (facepalm)
[Prefect starts this sales pitch with the kind of forced happiness for which he's famed!]

Comrades! Consumers! In this time of holiday cheer, it's important for us to remember what's important! And what is important, is that we have relics of our existence. Things. Things that we bought. Or that someone else bought, or things we picked up in places we paid to go visit. Things that we want. Just... things. The thing is, they aren't just things. They're not just things to anyone, they're status symbols, or badges of honor or curiosity or popularity, or they're memories of the time you bought them, the time that you wanted them desperately and loved them honestly, and let them define you, even if it's only for a few seconds, before you forget they're even there at all.

They still matter, they make you- and, and it's not just objects, Comrades, it's not just objects, it's other things as well. Objects are the best way for us to understand it, the most accessible way to really own something, but it's not just objects, it's about our bodies as well, about the tattoo you got on your butt when you and your boyfriend thought that cartoon kittens would be the "in thing" forever, and it's the holes running down the skin of your arms from when you tried suspension therapy, and it's the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you smell bananas because even though you can't remember that time when you were five years old and you ate a pot of banana lip gloss, it's still there...

[His voice drops a little so he's mumbling. Prefect appears to have forgotten that he's actually making this public.]

Stupid, like being afraid of people you know don't want to hurt you

[And it perks back up a little! For a moment, you get Factory standard happy!Prefect, before he fades back into his usual voice]

You break it, you buy it! And you bought it so long ago you don't even know why it's there, but it still is. It doesn't care whether you still want it, it's still there, it still matters. It's your scars, and you might not like it, and you might not want it, but if it just... if it just disappears then that's a piece of you disappearing, and if you can just keep disappearing piece by piece then in the end what's left of you? If you aren't even yourself anymore, then how can you belong to anything? How can you ever belong anywhere but here?

[There's a long pause, and when he speaks again his voice is sort of distant, like he's moved away from the microphone.]

This place, this place isn't about fixing us. It's just about taking away our scars.

[ooc: Prefect found Pavi's room empty, and TO HIS CREDIT, only had a few drinks from those bottles of wine he got off Paddy and Snoop all those months ago. He intended to give a rousing sales pitch here, but it descended into sulking pretty quick :c]
buywithme: (Default)
Comrade? I have your cloth and your Menorah, and I have some candles. I'm looking at getting you the rest soon!
buywithme: (Shocked)
[The screen flickers on, and Prefect is sat in front of the camera with his fingers steepled together. Every two seconds or so, he moves his hands, to drum the fingers against each other in a mechanically practiced motion.]

And Prefect proceeds to dance LONG AND HARD. )
buywithme: (facepalm)
Brothers, Sisters, how much do you think happens in a year? I mean, things-- things just pass you by, don't they? Even if a celebrity dies it's only news for a few weeks, a month and a half at the most and then everyone's distracted by whatever else is happening. Once they've been dead for a whole year? It's like, a completely different world. Everything's changed. Even if they were still alive everything would be different and so would they be.

They'd be forever confined to a separate dimension of "when they were famous", and "best of the 20's", and they'd only ever get work as a novelty act.

A years a really long time in the real world. You miss it and then its just gone. Ater a year you're all rotted away anyway. Comrades, Consumers, consider the concept of "vintage".

Or... something.

buywithme: (Puppy dog eyes)
Comrade! Consumer! I have a proposition for you!

ooc: This isn't a filter, it's a private message to each of them which just happens to be identical!

Added later: [Private to Pavi]

Brother? I was wondering If you could sell me some leather?
buywithme: (Default)
Comrades! Consumers! Haven't we had a flood of unfamiliar faces lately? Well allow me to personally greet each and every one of you to the Barge. My name is Prefect, and I am the sole operator of the Factories single outlet here.

Comrades, I know this may be difficult for you, I know that you've awoken in a strange new place, far from home, I know you feel pressured and dominated and confused, but brothers, sisters, do not let your hearts be troubled. This place will tear at your minds and your hearts, destroy your body and each time allow you to rise from the ashes of that flesh like a scalding phoenix from the flames, it is a place forever in flux, forever changing. It is impermanent. The only way now to anchor ourselves is to build our own physical empires, Comrades, you are no longer your body or your mind or your primitive notions of soul, you are only what you surround yourself with! That is what abides, that is what remains.

So Comrades, Consumers, Brothers and Sisters, do not dwell in the realm of ever fleeting consciousness, but rather buy with me, the building blocks of who or what you are so that when your mind is torn away from you your foundations are still firm! Bicycles, balaclavas, ballet shoes, blue-ray players, boxer shorts, bottles, berets, baskets, basketballs, just a small number of the things we currently have in stock, and Comrades if we are unable to find what you require in our existing stores then rest assured, our staff will do literally whatever is possible to acquire what you need elsewhere, and all of this for the lowest prices possible.

Comrades, in the hours of your discontent, in the moments when this place at the end of time and space and history tries to drag you apart, ask yourself this:

Will I be lost? Will I be the one who falls first with no solid hold to grip onto? Will my mind be the first not to return?

Comrades, do not let it be so. Buy with me today, and we shall chain ourselves to this reality with the endless glory of commerce and products, in this ever fluctuating reality, we shall build our own, buy with me now, and make it so.

[Private to Jayne]

Comrade? I've been asked to contact you on behalf of someone who wishes to remain anonymous.


Feb. 22nd, 2009 01:02 am
buywithme: (facepalm)
Comrades! Consumers! The Factory would like to absolutely and categorically apologize for the complete failure of its staff to function in any reasonable capacity during the events of the week before last. Rest assured there were severe external influences disrupting the capabilities of its current outlet and staff body and the appropriate reprimands and restorative programs are currently being undertaken.

We would like to take this moment to reassure all our customers that this was an isolated incident and the recent decline in behavioral standards which the Factory requires of it's work force will definitely not be continuing. Despite the mitigating circumstances of this particular collapse of professionalism, we are ensuring that our staff attend a rigorous program of retraining and customer service specialization, to ensure the highest possible service for you! Our valiant and valued brothers and sisters, still living the immaculate dream of the blossoming consumer!

Comrades, let us never lose sight of the great glories of possession and obedience, above and beyond the frailty of our rotting bodies and fleeting allegiances, our broken hearts and our unfulfilled dreams, our dead parents and our meaningless names. Comrades, history is dead and the barge is its tomb. Nothing here has meaning, nothing here survives the ever strengthening vortex of it's function. Comrades, the phrase: "You can't take it with you when you go." no longer applies, because there is nowhere else to go! Forget your outdated notions of family and faith and freedom because all your abstract concept riches are back where you came from and you can never leave this place. Here, it doesn't matter how beautiful your wife is or how intelligent your beloved children are, or how fulfilling you find your job, because none of them exist anymore. Here? The winner is the man with the most stuff. Here, the only things left in the universe that will last, are possessions, and obedience.

Newcomers, welcome to the Barge.

This is an official Factory announcement, there are no golden shores.


[ooc: Annnnd we're back in action! Huzzah! Prefect has been doing some serious thinking and re-educating himself over the last week, this is his eventual response to the last flood!]
buywithme: (Buy nice things off me!)
Comrades! Consumers! Despite beginning in a state of undue anguish, This month is a great, exciting, wonderful month! Indeed, it is in fact a month which has been set apart from all others! Comrades, join with me in celebration of February: International Grapefruit month!

Now! While traditionally this month long festival has been largely devoted towards the spreading of nutritional grapefruit information towards children and groups of people who may not be partaking of the recommended five daily portions of fruit, but do not let this deter you! For Comrades, what can we really take from the grapefruit? Nothing. It is a bitter tasting piece of fruit that might increase your life span. So what is our existence here? We're trapped, yes, we've suffered, yes, our personalities have been eroded... actually this isn't the best sales technique. It's not always easy, but Comrades, consumers, brothers and sisters we are alive! We are alive and we have all that we had before they came and all our brothers and sisters and Comrades are all still here and we all still love them and isn't it about time we showed them that?

Comrades, our tormentors are being punished, our killers are dead and although we are still here, we are here victorious! So! In place of the more traditional discussion of various nutritional values, I recommend we celebrate this fine month which has been set aside for grapefruit appreciation, with a celebration of everything the grapefruit stands for! A celebration of life, vitality, friendship, and less healthy, more delicious food!

Show friends that you care by sending them a "national grapefruit month" card!
Indulge in the traditional holiday fare of "national grapefruit month" with a delicious chocolate rice crispy cake!
Show your generosity in the ancient "exchanging of gifts" with your friends and associates!

And at some point there will of course be a huge end of National Grapefruit month gala, or something which is likely to involve music and cake!

Comrades, do not let this month of life affirming fruit appreciation slip through your fingers! Do not let it pass you bye along with so many distant memories, NO instead you must seize the month! Embrace it and it's noble traditions and spread its gentle message through the voices and means which I am selling for so little that I'm practically giving them away! So come my brothers! For he who chooses to celebrate this wonderful month is my brother! So come once more unto the breach Comrades, and buy with me today!

[ooc/disclaimer: Yes it is actually grapefruit month, no it does not have any traditions as far as I know (Prefect industriously made some up :D) and Prefect probably won't actually organize a gala. He just sort of got carried away :c]
buywithme: (You bought it!  Good choice!)
Comrades, donate blood if you want! Donate blood if you really think that a bunch of starving vampires are going to stop at a pile of plastic baggies when they storm into a barge full of delicious warm living entities!

For those interested in a proactive alternative? I currently have a stock of hand carved stakes, crosses, and a small stockpile of garlic for interested parties!

Considering our current situation? I will most certainly be accepting IOU's.

[Stakes are about as sharp as Prefect was able to get them by demolishing his bedframe and trying to sharpen small pieces of it on his generally non-lethal belongings. They are, however, probably better than nothing. I'm still mostly without a laptop, so don't expect speedy replies! Everyone else updates and tags will start happening again on sunday!]
buywithme: (My shirt tries to escape?  You buy it?)
Comrades! Consumers! The Factory would just like to remind you that over the passing months its staff have shown absolute dedication to fulfilling your various needs, zero breaches of our client confidentiality policy, and complete professionalism in dealing with all cases! No matter how disturbing or dangerous you may be, no matter how obscure or impractical your order, and we have always strived to maintain the lowest possible prices for our products!

Now that alternatives are beginning to become available we urge you to remember this standard of service and ask yourself: "Will our competitors do this for you?" Without a lifetime of training to subdue all preference, self preservation, or emotional bias, no other sales unit will be capable or even willing to supply whatever we are able to whomever wants it for whatever purpose, and still maintain absolute privacy even on pain of great personal loss and/or sacrifice.

Remember - Just because she's trying to sell you things, doesn't mean she's me!
buywithme: (Calm Prefect)
[Private to Bond]

The Factory would like to apologize for the lateness of this reply to the order you placed with us, unfortunately, our staff were temporarily out of action shortly after your order was placed, and due to paperwork difficulties we have been unable to process your order until now.

You want a gun, no bullets, for your inmate? Things like that are fairly hard to come by, and I can't promise that I'll be able to get one, but if I can? You'll be the first one I contact.

[Private to The Marquis]

...Could I ask you something?
buywithme: (Calm Prefect)
Comrades! Consumers! Merry Christmas one and all! We would like to take this opportunity to announce that despite feeling general goodwill and cheer towards all men and women in this festive holiday season, neither the Factory nor its representatives are able to accept donations from any of our paying customers or our Warden.

Please come to your nearest designated Factory outlet at your earliest convenience, where you will be able to reclaim your gifts.

[Prefect has politely left the plant and the fabric outside his door for Sam and Harvey to come and take them back. Although he did it with a little reluctance. Interestingly, he appears to have deemed that the tax return is not a gift, and is busily working on it.

While wearing the Doctors Scarf.

Which he may never take off.]

Added later:

[Private to the Admiral]

Is the Barge for sale?

[Private to the Doctor]

Is your spaceship for sale?

[Private, just to himself]

In retrospect this is probably not something I should have pretended I might be able to do...
buywithme: (Perhaps you'd like to invest instead?)
Comrades! Consumers!

Are you feeling the sting of loss in your life? The desperate cravings of inadequacy? Has your warden cut you off from something you long for and miss, or your inmate made it impossible to enjoy one of your former pleasures? Brothers, sisters, such times sting all of us at some point, but let these losses not deter us from our purer functions! Let them not drive us into states of brooding disapproval or let us search for an unmatchable fulfillment in our own souls! No, for doing this will only drag us deeper into the mindless quagmire of our own stinging loss! Comrades, instead let us ask ourselves why? What would really cure this pain? Not sitting alone in our rooms, nor distracting ourselves with the idle pleasures of company, NO Comrades! Do not be fooled by the blithe bragging of snake oil salesmen promising you gain through loss! Don't listen to the clamoring priests and evangelicals of loneliness and self indulgence! Comrades, the ache of loss is a physical manifestation of your own, wounded being, and can only be solved by the glorious deliverance of commerce!

Of products, Comrades!

It is in this spirit of hope that the Factory is forced to announce a brief intermission of access to our current stock. Know that we too feel the absence of that which we are cut off from, and that we will be there in sympathy and availability in your own times of hardship! Please direct any and all orders to our on site staff, who will endeavor to provide the very best of service even through this difficult period.

Comrades, believe always in strength through commerce! Through the bonds of the corporate family we are made whole, If you can not buy with me today, buy with me tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, once more unto the breach, and onto every breach!

buywithme: (Default)
Comrades! Consumers!

We are sinking now into troubled times, the life boats are distant and the flood waters are rushing in and drowning seems oh so inevitable! Can there be a solution? Can there be a cure!

Probably not, but if you enter these turbulent days with an encyclopedic collection of belongings, then even god himself will have to acknowledge that you're probably feeling a bit better than all those people who forgot to stock up on cheaply made sports equipment and ugly ironic fashion accessories!

Brothers and sisters! Let the fear of what is to come not grip you, or let it grip you, but just enough to make you go on pointless spending spree's! Forget all your yesterdays, forget all personal slights, apart from those which you have committed and are yet to be payed back for, remember your business deals, and come buy with me today!

For we go forwards into an unclear future, and the only thing that can heal your inner wounds, is the art of commerce.

Buy with me today, and we might both feel better!

... Wait, that came out all wrong...

...damn it.

[ooc: Prefect might not be very chatty in the comments after this, so don't feel slighted if he only answers one or two tags, or none at all.]
Comrades! Consumers! Is not this day a glorious day? Are not our hearts and closets filled with the promises or new life? Of different life? Do we not each and every day live out the deep seated longing to be someone, nay, ANYONE but our own oh so fragile selves? Well Comrades the time is now, or is the time not always? Tomorrow, when you don your costume, and for just one night become what you imagine yourself as, consider this: you ARE your jacket.

You ARE your hat.

You are your perfume, your jewelry, your non conformist tee-shirt, you are your ironic shell suit! Which brand of trainers define you as a person? Which product is YOUR product? And is it better than your comrades products? If not, UPGRADE! I'm having a special offer on...

...Well, actually the Factory store is closed at the moment due to stock issues and the absence of a door, but think about it anyway.

...I guess theoretically I could sell you these cat ears the Admiral left here, they come with a detachable tail?
buywithme: (you don't want to buy things?)
Ugh! Oh god, okay, okay, nothing's inside me, I'm all right, I can move...

...Everyone else remembers it, it must have happened, but... how much of that was real?

Oh god I can almost feel it in me...


Comrades! Consumers! This is what I mean when I say you should just buy things you like, because tomorrow might never come.

Or maybe it will. Possibly even when it's not supposed too...

[Added a few minutes later]

You forgot me? You just left me dead?
[Private to Dexter]

Comrade! I have the remainder of your order filled at last! At your earliest convenience I can meet you to exchange these items for the remainder of the chemicals owed in payment!

[Private to Dr Horrible]

Brother, I believe you have some level of ability in electronics? Do you know how to make a heat lamp? Or three?

[ooc: I'm assuming that the various trades between Joker/Crane/Prefect have happened without major incident. Also? LOL THREADING WITH SELF D:]
buywithme: (you don't want to buy things?)
[Prefects handwriting may actually seem neater than usual, as he's trying extra hard to control himself.]

[Private to Joker]

Hypodermic needles Comrade. Don't come to my room again, I'll meet you somewhere to get them.

[Private to the Master]

Comrade, do you know where my Warden is?

I'll make you a good offer for him.[/Private]

[Added later]

Comrades? Would someone please come and remove Joker from outside my Cabin? Crane, he's your inmate, I'd like you to make him leave me alone outside of a business context please.

Once more unto the breach.
buywithme: (Default)
Comrades! Brothers! Sisters! Brothers who are sisters and sisters who were brothers! I know you're all secretly loving this! In regards of the sudden and spectacular rearranging of our needs, I would like to let you all know that for the next day I will be selling feminine hygiene products and masturbatory aides at a price that is practically GIVING THEM AWAY!

This may never happen again, never before have I said "seize the day" and meant it so very much!


buywithme: (Default)

October 2013



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 03:01 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios